I don’t know much about Australian private boys’ schools, but I do know that people who have spent any time in them form a lifelong habit of call each other solely by their surnames as a sign of manliness, sporting prowess and, I guess, not being homosexual or something.

Thus, I spent a lot of time when I first moved here wondering why 100% of the Austrian population of both genders appeared to have attended one of these elite boys’ schools. Until I realised that, independent of age, class, gender, creed or social status, everyone refers to everyone else with last name first.

So, when girls here are referred to as, for example ‘Aniston’ or ‘Jolie’, I just imagine them all as tough rugby players with it emblazoned across their jersey. It makes the world a happier, butcher place.

I spent twelve thousand bucks on my university degree (or, I have a never-to-be-repaid debt of 12K, whichever way you want to look at it), and received, for my money, a bunch of letters and parentheses  that I will probably never use in an official capacity, to wit: (BA)(Lang)(Hons).

Luckily for me, our friends the Austrians love a good title, and throw them around with wilful abandon. They have a title called ‘Magister’ which, though your English-speaking brain files it alongside ‘magic’ and ‘register’, actually refers to a university degree somewhere between a Bachelor and a Masters.

l decided that it obviously correlates to my honours degree, and have been titling myself ‘Mag.’ at every possible opportunity. Application for an apartment? Magazine subscription? Competition entry form? Chuck it in there! Why? Because, sad but true, you actually get preferential treatment when you whack on a prefix.

At the doctor’s surgery, I am called up as ‘Frau Magister’, and I suspect the respect on the faces of my fellow patients betrays the fact that they are unaware that 90% of my study career was spent sprawled somewhere with a hangover.

One of the images burned into my retinas is that of the time that I, living in a shitty share house in an unnamed Sydney suburb, took my cornflakes out of the kitchen cupboard and sleepily poured them into my breakfast bowl, ALONG WITH A COLONY OF BROWN COCKROACHES.

It pretty much still rates as my #1 hideous roach experience, winning by a nose against the day I witnessed a fat, black, suburban cockroach whir past me in the kitchen with a thick buzzing of wings, and realised that they can fly.

Tellingly, there is no word in German for ‘cockroach bait’. Here, you can leave food out on the kitchen bench overnight, and in the morning it will be marvellously intact, unmunched by any vermin! You don’t have to check under toilet seats or inside your shoes for spiders. One can walk with giddy abandon through long grass without fearing snakebite! If this is not Edenesque, I don’t know what is*.

Mosquitos are about the only pesky creature around, and let’s be honest, they’re practically the liquid-eyed puppies of the creepy-crawly world, if you look what they’re up against.

The flip-side, of course, is that all the Europeans I’ve encountered are pretty certain that we live in bug-infested terraces not so dissimilar to that cockroach cave in Indiana Jones. Which, if you take Sydney houses as being representative, isn’t so far from the truth.

*An astute editor has pointed out that there was, in fact, a snake in Eden. This merely proves my point, as if it had more closely resembled Austria, none of the resulting nonsense would have happened.

5. Equal opportunity employment for the good-looking

Writing/fixing/pimping your CV routinely comes at or near the top in surveys of most horrific computer-related experiences, trumped only by 1. skyping with relatives who still use a dial-up modem and 2. chatroulette.

As those of us without a trust fund know, compiling a CV is a horrid process in which you must:

1. Remember what you’ve actually been employed to do in the dark mists of the past

2. Remember not to list the dodgy cash-in-hand numbers that could earn your uncle a bit of heat from the tax office

3. Countenance the prospect of contacting ex-employers to act as referees, selecting from

• the ones that sexually harassed you,
• the ones that you sexually harassed, or
• the ones that refused to pay you your wages after you gave notice.

What could possibly make this process worse for you, the employee? How about if you had to attach a photo of your ugly mug to the CV?

In Austria (among many other countries, apparently) you, the job applicant, must paperclip, glue or scan a headshot of yourself that manages to simultaneously convey your professionalism and individuality, and hide the fact that you’re so desperate for a job you had to borrow the business shirt you’re wearing in the photo.

Thus, Austria is a CV-sorter’s dream. Looking for a new staff member? Just sift through the pile of résumés until you come across the most aesthetically pleasing specimens. The pockmarked, dorky, greasy-haired ones are eliminated before you even go to the trouble of reading about their C++ hobby.

Then, to satisfy your boss and/or those pesky equal opportunity regulations, make a cursory check that the halfway-decent-looking ones have at least one of the requirements you’re actually looking for.

Voila! You’ve got your first-round interview group! All that remains is to call them up, invite them to an interview and flirt a little with the hotter ones. Then you can kick back and enjoy the glow of a job efficiently done, secure in the knowledge that your counterparts in more politically correct countries need to waste much more of their and everyone else’s time.

4. Competent shop staff

I once found myself in a large chain sports store in Linz, looking for, I don’t know, probably a bike pump, and not finding it. At my wits’ end, I resolved to craftily waylay a staff member, possibly brandish a wad of cash, plead with them to lead me to their bike pump aisle, and try and get a question in before they slithered off in the direction of the lunch room.

What actually occurred was a metaphorical shovel hook to the jaw. Firstly, a remarkably serene-looking staff member actually approached me to ask if I needed help. This is the point at which I usually get suspicious of overmotivated department store staff members, and start looking around for a camera or their boss. However, she proceeded to not only lead me to the relevant section, she actually pointed out the differences between the models, demonstrated how to use a couple, and gave me a recommendation. In short, she ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT. Stop the press.

O Austrian retail stores, where art thy incompetent staff members? Why doth thy employees appear to like their jobs? Whither dost thou send thy slack-jawed, slouching, casually-employed students? Doth there exist a grotto, from whose depths they emerge to stack shelves or something?

Alternatively, the usual casual worker suspects may all still be blissfully unemployed here, chillaxing on the weekends at hotel mama, enjoying dumplings and sauerkraut while their Australian cousins are slogging it out in shitty minimum wage department store jobs. I guess being incompetent is the best revenge for that.

3. Deca mecca

Why does no one ever order 210g of sun-dried tomatoes from the deli counter in Australian supermarkets? Because you feel like a dick, that’s why. You order in round figures, 100g or half a kilo. How come? Because we don’t have DECA.

One deca is a magical unit of measurement equivalent to 10g. For reasons no-one knows, only Austrians use it. At deli counters from Vienna to the alps, you can order 5 or 7 or 60 deca of artichoke hearts or animal product of your choice. In recipe books, your strudel requires not 2 cups of flour but 40 deca. I have yet to confirm the appropriate unit of measurement for class-A drugs, but asking for 1 deca of crack would presumably be both an interesting experiment and a prelude to a relatively heavy night.

Another mystifying aspect: it’s abbreviated ‘dag.’. Which is probably the primary reason that it’s never been taken up in Australia, where the term simultaneously means something like a nerd, and a piece of shit hanging off a sheep’s arse.

2. Aperol Spritzers

Let’s take apart this concept and reduce it to its constituent parts. Firstly, uniting wine and mineral water was an idea vastly superior, I would argue, to even the uniting of horse and carriage, loaves and fishes, and Adam and Eve. As, let’s be honest, none of those really turned out so well.

Most bar staff in ye olde English-speaking landes are not so familiar with the wine + mineral water = spritzer equation. Which explains why, in an Australian bar, one can get inebriated faster than one can say ‘two chardonnays thanks’, since every trip to the bar yields at least one glass of undiluted alcohol. Our European cousins, by championing the lighter, more economical spritzer, have invented a way to  drink more and pay less. I can’t think of anything less unAustralian.

Secondly, allow me introduce, to the uninitiated, the marvellous, ruby orange substance known as Aperol. A little bit like Campari, but with less grapefruit aftertaste, and with the added bonus that you do not have to wear your collar up to drink it.

Add to aforementioned spritzer, and you have a drink that

a)     originated in Italy, so, like Ferrari, the mafia, and making out in a gondola, it must be intriguing

b)    allows you to delay the point of complete inebriation by at least three or four glasses

by which time you’ve hopefully realised that your drinking companions are, as you suspected before you were tipsy, not that interesting. In turn prompting a quick, gracious exit, unmarred by leaving either your keys or your virginity in the taxi cab.

photo amazingness by carina

*If they were to reconsider my generous cash-for-comment offer, I may consider extending the list. Just saying. Wolfgang Amadeus. If that is your real name.

1. Having access to a 83,872 km² freezer

It is a little-known fact that if you live far enough away from either the Tropic of Cancer or Capricorn, the entire outdoors can be used as a giant, state-of-the-art fridge/freezer combination for at least 6 months of the year.

This glorious fact was first illuminated during my heady days  in Vienna on student exchange, when I began to wonder why, in winter, my fellow dorm colleagues would open the window to get the orange juice.

I caught on to this revolutionary windowsill-as-refrigeration shelf idea pretty quick, and soon experimented with placing everything from vodka (relatively hip) to leftover pasta bake (less hip) outside, in the process thwarting the twin fiends of a tiny communal refrigerator and hungry and unscrupulous study colleagues.

Take a moment, if you will, to consider the possibilities of living with permafrost ready to knock on the door any minute. Firstly, and clearly most vital, no need to fill up the bath with ice for those frat/fratess parties! Crate upon crate of beer and mineral water can be kept frosty on the balcony till, say, about the end of November, beyond which you are risking heineken slushies.

This point, in turn, marks the beginning of frozen goods season, when you can stack an unlimited number of ice-cream containers outside till the end of winter, meaning you can get as fat as you like despite only having a freezer the size of a shoebox.

All of this is an enormous novelty for someone who grew up in Sydney, where the ambient temperature for 9 months of the year is high enough to curdle dairy products on the way home from the corner store.

Here in Österreich, from about October to March, you can shop for the frozen groceries of your choice and drop by a friend’s house for coffee , secure in the knowledge that you will never experience that moment of panic where you sit bolt upright and have to translate ‘Shit! The groceries are still in the car! Everything’ll be fucken melted!’

I must have been just to the right of these businessmen

I’m not sure whether you’ve ever flown on an Airbus 380. It happens to be an enormous, double-decker aircraft. Lowly economy-class passengers such as myself can only peer up the stairs to the top deck as far as the bar, which is adorned with more seductively glittering bottles of alcohol than you can poke your travel toothbrush at. I can only imagine what other luxuries await the passengers lucky enough to have a first-class boarding pass in their Louis Vuitton travel wallets.

During my hiatus from this blog, gentle readers, I was alas required to fly from Munich to Sydney in  a distressed state. Luckily, I had a seat (economy-class, but a seat nevertheless) on this magnificent machine, which happens to have a whole lot of room even at the front of the lower deck for wandering around, sobbing quietly and projecting existential angst out of the tiny windows and into the inky blackness beyond.

While I was wandering, sobbing and projecting, a Flight Attendant (from Queensland, as it turned out), to his credit, tapped me on the shoulder sympathetically. The following exchange ensued, which only served to confirm my equation of upper deck with a kind of aviatory nirvana:

FA: What’s wrong?

Me: relates tale of woe

FA: sympathetically aww, that’s rough.

Me: nods, slightly comforted

FA: Can I get you anything?

Me: Perhaps some water?

FA strides to curtained kitchen, emerges with water bottle in one hand.

In the other, he carries a magnificently decorated tumbler containing a delicious-looking dessert, strawberry tilted at a jaunty angle on the rim. He beams at me.

FA: here you go

Me: Oh, you shouldn’t have, that’s really lovely of you reaches for dessert

FA: Uh, that’s not for you. That’s for upstairs.

It was all just one big misunderstanding. No one informed me that english-speaking expats in non-english-speaking countries are in fact able – nay, expected – to choose from a wide range of jobs, including:

• English Teacher,
• English Trainer, or
• English Private Tutor.

Who knew?!
After careful consideration, I decided to teach English to both very small people in a kindergarten, and adult people. The small people are more fun – they give you more hugs, laugh at your jokes more often and usually do what they’re told when bribed with Pez. However, they tend to climb on tables at regular intervals, and also you come into contact with a greater quantity of bodily fluids than in the adult classes. Life is about compromise.

So, I’ve been concentrating on teaching the classics to my kindergartners in their weekly 4.5 hours of English, that noblest of languages. By classics, I mean less Pride and Prejudice than Heads and Shoulders, Knees and Toes, which includes the lesser-known verse ‘eyes and ears and mouth and nose’. Now, they say that teaching others holds a mirror up to your soul. In this case, it brandishes a dictophone and plays it back at full, horrifying volume. Turns out that I have transformed my class of little Austrians into a pack of tiny aussie bogans. To wit:

Me: what are these? (points to eyes)
Tinies (in the manner of Steve Irwin): Oies
Me: and what are these? (points to ears)
Tinies: eeys
Me: and this? (points to nose)
Tinies: nouz
Me: *slaps forehead*

I am expecting them to come out with ‘a dingo stole my baby’ any day now.

Fig 1: Sample future yearbook photo