Part V

5. Equal opportunity employment for the good-looking

Writing/fixing/pimping your CV routinely comes at or near the top in surveys of most horrific computer-related experiences, trumped only by 1. skyping with relatives who still use a dial-up modem and 2. chatroulette.

As those of us without a trust fund know, compiling a CV is a horrid process in which you must:

1. Remember what you’ve actually been employed to do in the dark mists of the past

2. Remember not to list the dodgy cash-in-hand numbers that could earn your uncle a bit of heat from the tax office

3. Countenance the prospect of contacting ex-employers to act as referees, selecting from

• the ones that sexually harassed you,
• the ones that you sexually harassed, or
• the ones that refused to pay you your wages after you gave notice.

What could possibly make this process worse for you, the employee? How about if you had to attach a photo of your ugly mug to the CV?

In Austria (among many other countries, apparently) you, the job applicant, must paperclip, glue or scan a headshot of yourself that manages to simultaneously convey your professionalism and individuality, and hide the fact that you’re so desperate for a job you had to borrow the business shirt you’re wearing in the photo.

Thus, Austria is a CV-sorter’s dream. Looking for a new staff member? Just sift through the pile of résumés until you come across the most aesthetically pleasing specimens. The pockmarked, dorky, greasy-haired ones are eliminated before you even go to the trouble of reading about their C++ hobby.

Then, to satisfy your boss and/or those pesky equal opportunity regulations, make a cursory check that the halfway-decent-looking ones have at least one of the requirements you’re actually looking for.

Voila! You’ve got your first-round interview group! All that remains is to call them up, invite them to an interview and flirt a little with the hotter ones. Then you can kick back and enjoy the glow of a job efficiently done, secure in the knowledge that your counterparts in more politically correct countries need to waste much more of their and everyone else’s time.